Event: Javelin Throw
World Record: 98.48 m. (set in 1996 by J. Zelezny - Czech Republic )
DRD Record (for shortest distance): 23.92m. (set in 2000 by B. Kite - Amish Land)
“When you responsibly procure your family’s dinner by hand, each meal becomes a sacred rite, and the reality of life and death is undeniable.” – Ted Nugent
The device that helped fill the stomachs of our beloved ancestors is the mighty javelin . The javelin allowed our hungry forefathers to “strike from a distance” and avoid the somewhat bloody and slightly more risky “hand-to-hand combat” option.
In modern times, the javelin has amounted to a sort of festivus event for the DRD (seeing that it is an “aluminum pole” requiring a “feat of strength” to hurl it). Now as the DRD athlete most likely to “procure his next meal by hand”, I have been asked to offer some insight into the sacred practice of hunting, I mean, throwing the javelin...
1. Focus: This is what separates the men from the boys, the hungry from the famished and him who holds the sacred chalice of victory from the others who don’t. I usually like to envision each throw from start to finish. A friend of mine, Big B. Ballard found that focusing on fluffy, soft bunnies helped him concentrate. Either way, maintaining your focus is a key to success in Mario Kart er, I mean the javelin.
2. Diet: An oft-overlooked key to every highly conditioned athlete is strict adherence to a high-performance diet. Lets start with the food groups that can help you out the most.
- Energy. Nothing, and I mean nothing can provide as much energy as a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. Now don’t let the label fool you, one pint is a serving size. A typical pint contains enough calories to feed a third-world nation. Just imagine if you had the strength of an entire under-privileged nation within you…eat a pint and you will.
- Protein. Your muscles need protein to rebuild themselves after a hard workout. In a highly scientific study conducted by one Dr. Z.J. Khan, Pepsi was found to be the best source of protein for a DRD athlete. It also keeps the joints properly lubricated. So drink up boys, your muscles will thank you.
- KFC. “You need chicken!” Enough said. I.S.K.?
3. Training. There are a few great ways to train for the javelin. One of my personal favorites is “Pumpkin’ Chunking.” To do this, you’ll need a third story window and a few pumpkins. Practice throwing the pumpkins on the sidewalk below repeatedly. This builds up arm strength and works your back and shoulders. I also like “Candy Throwing”. For this, you’ll need a college sports team lined up watching a parade. Simply stand on one of the floats and go for headshots.
4. The Yell*. Every great thrower has a good guttural scream that helps focus all of his efforts into the throw. A good yell can be worth a slew of style points.
The javelin has transitioned from an implement essential for human survival to an implement essential for winning the DRD. So train hard, eat hard and focus. The DRD is just around the corner.
*Studies have shown that a good yell and javelin throw can increase one’s success at the eleventh event.
The device that helped fill the stomachs of our beloved ancestors is the mighty javelin . The javelin allowed our hungry forefathers to “strike from a distance” and avoid the somewhat bloody and slightly more risky “hand-to-hand combat” option.
In modern times, the javelin has amounted to a sort of festivus event for the DRD (seeing that it is an “aluminum pole” requiring a “feat of strength” to hurl it). Now as the DRD athlete most likely to “procure his next meal by hand”, I have been asked to offer some insight into the sacred practice of hunting, I mean, throwing the javelin...
1. Focus: This is what separates the men from the boys, the hungry from the famished and him who holds the sacred chalice of victory from the others who don’t. I usually like to envision each throw from start to finish. A friend of mine, Big B. Ballard found that focusing on fluffy, soft bunnies helped him concentrate. Either way, maintaining your focus is a key to success in Mario Kart er, I mean the javelin.
2. Diet: An oft-overlooked key to every highly conditioned athlete is strict adherence to a high-performance diet. Lets start with the food groups that can help you out the most.
- Energy. Nothing, and I mean nothing can provide as much energy as a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. Now don’t let the label fool you, one pint is a serving size. A typical pint contains enough calories to feed a third-world nation. Just imagine if you had the strength of an entire under-privileged nation within you…eat a pint and you will.
- Protein. Your muscles need protein to rebuild themselves after a hard workout. In a highly scientific study conducted by one Dr. Z.J. Khan, Pepsi was found to be the best source of protein for a DRD athlete. It also keeps the joints properly lubricated. So drink up boys, your muscles will thank you.
- KFC. “You need chicken!” Enough said. I.S.K.?
3. Training. There are a few great ways to train for the javelin. One of my personal favorites is “Pumpkin’ Chunking.” To do this, you’ll need a third story window and a few pumpkins. Practice throwing the pumpkins on the sidewalk below repeatedly. This builds up arm strength and works your back and shoulders. I also like “Candy Throwing”. For this, you’ll need a college sports team lined up watching a parade. Simply stand on one of the floats and go for headshots.
4. The Yell*. Every great thrower has a good guttural scream that helps focus all of his efforts into the throw. A good yell can be worth a slew of style points.
The javelin has transitioned from an implement essential for human survival to an implement essential for winning the DRD. So train hard, eat hard and focus. The DRD is just around the corner.
*Studies have shown that a good yell and javelin throw can increase one’s success at the eleventh event.
1 comment:
You have used my body without expressed written consent. I was going to file a cease & desist order until I saw that my teammate & countryman Joey Dikärlo is the administrator of this site.
You're safe for now Amish boy.
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